The worst night of my life…

If you have been following my posts about my experience with my last pregnancy and delivery, this post leads on from where I last stopped…

That night was to be the worst night in my life.

I was awake and yet I was not.

I was alive and yet I could not move or speak.

I could see my daughter and husband and yet they did not come to my side!

Yes, I was feverish, my oxygen and SATS were dropping and I was having hallucinations.

First of all, I hated having the oxygen mask on. I could not move my hands to remove it because, though I could move my hands to a small extent ; my brain was obviously not telling it to go to my mouth. There was something wrong with the hand and brain communication. To remove my mask I had to use my teeth.

I just felt so suffocated with the mask. But I needed it. And the nurses obviously knew that. But I kept removing it. And they kept putting it back on. Until one nurse, brought a mask that looked much like the one that Hannibal Lector wore in ‘Silence of the Lambs’.

When she attached it, I was more out of breathe than without it. She was quite a dragon (for my own good I guess) but I could not speak and tell her that I didn’t want it.

I was gasping more for air with it. My eyes welled with tears.

She was obviously not quite the dragon I thought because she made a deal with me – if I didn’t remove the simple mask she would not put the horrible one on. DEAL!

I needed water or ice (as I didn’t know that my lungs had been filling with water when I had drunk water earlier).

The staff had brought me ice and after giving me some kept the rest on the counter about 2 feet from my bed.

When I called several times and no one came (this was late at night) I tried to move myself off the bed to get to the ice cubes. I didn’t realise that I was hooked up to machines behind me. I shifted myself off the bed. The tubes that I was connected to saved me from falling off the bed I guess, as I could not support myself.  I ended up being half on the bed and half off and unable to reach for the call bell – I had to wait till someone looked in on me.

The worst part of the night was that I could see my husband and daughter at the nurses’ station and I was wondering what they were doing there so late at night. I tried to call out to them but of course I still could not speak. I then saw my husband make signs to say that he needed permission to come and see me as it was so late. So, he left my daughter at the nurses’ station. I tried to indicate to them to let her come and stay by my side but it fell on deaf ears. I then saw my husband come back and from what I could see they had not been granted access to see me. They left.

But they were never there to begin with. It was all a hallucination but my feverish brain did not know that.

I broke down. I had to do something.

I screeched.

I used my throat to make whatever sounds it would emit.

I probably disturbed everyone on my floor. But I was too disturbed myself to care. I needed to get out of there. I needed to speak.

I fell asleep at some point. Exhausted and spent.

The next morning – I could speak!

My voice was throaty and I spoke very slowly with my words slurring. But I could speak!

My first words – ‘I want to go home’.




P.S. If you want to know more about this time in my life here are the other posts –

The day I died and lived to tell the tale

The day I awoke and could not speak

The day I awoke and could not speak – Part 2

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